Sometimes life becomes very overwhelming and we may ask ourselves how much more can we go through without becoming emotionally detached.
Most of my life, I was emotionally detached with myself and desperately trying to fit in and be accepted. I wasn’t thrilled about my home life and during most of my teens – I would do everything it would take to get out of the house. There was much fear, anger and sadness at home and I could not deal with those things as I was trying so hard to figure out who I was and how to deal with my own internal battles.
Eventually, I finally discovered who I was and then had to confront my next battle – overcoming my internal homophobia. Can you imagine? I finally came to understand that I was born homosexual only to find I had to learn how to remove all the negative stereotypes associated to the gay lifestyle that family, friends, society and even the gay community instilled into my brain. Gay people were dirty, promiscuous, always drinking and partying, doing drugs and having un-safe sex – that was what I was always being told and believed until I became part of the gay community.
After many years of dealing with my own internal homophobia – I learned that I loved who I was and was not ever going to apologize for being born this way. The anger and confusion from all the things I was taught were right by family, friends, religion and society was finally beginning to wear off – I was finally free to act how I wanted to act and to say what I wanted to say. I finally felt free!
I may have made choices in my life that I was not proud of – but I have no regrets because had I not made those choices, I would not be the strong person I am today. Many people ask me why I decided to come out or what was it like living a double life? The only way I could answer that was by using this analogy:
Imagine a world where everyone in it is gay or lesbian….you turn on the television and it was all same-sex couples, you open the newspaper or magazines and everyone were same-sex couples, the billboards on the streets, everything around you is “normal” and same-sex. You knew there is something different within you and it does not fall in line with everything around you….you know you are attracted to the opposite sex but you can’t do anything about it because it is not “normal” according to everything around you – your family, friends, society, religion – all of it goes against what you feel inside. Then you meet someone and you fall in love – you want to share everything with that person and you want to share that love you have with that person with everyone in your life, BUT YOU CAN’T because it goes against the laws of that same-sex society. How would you feel and what would you do?
That was my struggle and that continues to be the struggle of countless children who are not encouraged to be whom they were born to be. We ask ourselves ‘how can these kids who kill themselves succumb to those who are bullying them? One reason is because, right from the start – these children are being told that they are not equals to what society deems to be ‘normal’.
I am happy to live my life with someone I love and care for more than anyone else in this world….my husband Jason. I feel that our love continues to grow because of our similar past and the struggles we faced as homosexual men. I also feel that it is our duty to inform our friends and family that we are no different from them – except that they were born heterosexuals.
As I said above – life is too difficult already and I don’t feel like a debate is necessary on whether or not my homosexuality was a choice that I made – all you have to do is ask me and I can tell you that I did not choose my lifestyle of ridicule, harassment, hate, threats of violence, inequality and segregation – that is what society put upon me! I can also tell you, that if I made a conscious decision to be homosexual wouldn’t you be able to make the same choice?
My point is that, life is too short to worry about the things that should not even be an issue. We should be worried about helping those in need; the hungry, the sick, the poor and unhealthy. We need to focus on love, life and healing this planet.
I love life – I love this planet and all I want for anyone who lives on this earth is to respect one another, respect mother nature and forge a life where all you give to the universe is goodness. There is too much anger, hate and greed – we don’t need to focus on those things because those are not the things that will make your life content.
Live from love and compassion and that will be all that you know.
Together, we can make the world a more positive one!